I am sunburned, and sleepy. I weeded all day, then went to the nursing home & got a brat dinner with hubs. He is convinced tomorrow there will be a "hearing' held to discuss his release this weekend, and according to HIM...all looks ok. But according to the nurses we aren't at that point yet.
I try to be as honest with him as i can...but...I don't know....he's not even wanting to listen to the honesty.
*Yawning sooo much.*
Will have to blog about this later.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
People on the internet.....
In a new study by Northwestern University, researchers found that people who regularly leave obnoxious anonymous comments on the Internet get the same rush as people get from getting DRUNK.
The effect of being an anonymous a-hole actually triggers the same area of the brain as people who get drunk . . . or who experience moments of POWER.News.com.au
Read more: People Who Leave Obnoxious Comments on the Internet Get the Same Feeling as Being Drunk http://mix1065fm.radio.com/2011/06/24/people-who-leave-obnoxious-comments-on-the-internet-get-the-same-feeling-as-being-drunk/#ixzz1QR2PRGxv
Ohhhh. BIG suprise THERE.
Powerless people getting rushes from hurting people annonymously with their lame words can feel like they are *somebody* in a world where the are their usual loser selves. *SHOCK!!*
The effect of being an anonymous a-hole actually triggers the same area of the brain as people who get drunk . . . or who experience moments of POWER.News.com.au
Read more: People Who Leave Obnoxious Comments on the Internet Get the Same Feeling as Being Drunk http://mix1065fm.radio.com/2011/06/24/people-who-leave-obnoxious-comments-on-the-internet-get-the-same-feeling-as-being-drunk/#ixzz1QR2PRGxv
Ohhhh. BIG suprise THERE.
Powerless people getting rushes from hurting people annonymously with their lame words can feel like they are *somebody* in a world where the are their usual loser selves. *SHOCK!!*
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Today's Horoscope:
Remember Phil Silvers? He played Sergeant Bilko in the old TV show. And for the rest of his life, everywhere he went, people saluted. And what about William Shatner, once the Captain of the Enterprise, always a star of Star Trek? Animals, though, are less easily typecast. The cat who played the Pink Panther previously enjoyed a long career as Tom, in Tom and Jerry. Well, okay then, not really. The point is, though, that it is all too easy to become associated with a particular persona. But if you now wish to change, you can.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Deeeeep Thoughts While Gardening......
Yeaaaaaaah. Scary.
I mean, I have spent my WHOLE life trying to find ways to NOT have to sit quietly and listen to my own brain. Running, talking on the phone, listening to my ipod, POSTING!, reading, writing, ANYTHING from having to do that.
Yeah, well, spend a seven hour day strictly weeding! I seriously have nothing else to BUT listen to my brain. It's weird to sit there for that long, all by myself and just let thoughts and feelings come & go. Kinda like meditating with movement. That's why I always loved running. I mean, I can never sit STILL long enough to meditate. I end up thinking "CRAMP in my foot! SHIT! Let it go. Think blank thoughts....."
So...we do this thing called "Deadheading". Yeah, it's NOT the same thing as my college room mate and her hippy music & patchuli smell. It's where you pull a dying blossom off a plant. Like, a flower as it starts to wilt. And I assumed it was for cosmetic reasons. Get the yucky looking dying stuff off. Well at lunch this woman that actually TALKS to the plants when she works (She's a WHOLE other blog) told me we don't just do it for cosmetic reasons. The dying bloom takes away nutrients and energy from the rest of the plant. In order for the plant to be fuller & healthier, and to GROW you have to remove the dying part of it.
So AFTER lunch I was sent back to weed for another four hours and I was thinking....hell if that doesn't apply to alot of things. I have issues letting go of things. I hold onto things by my fingernails....resentments, anger, pain, old feelings, old hurts. They are my armor. I sometimes think I draw strength from them in some fucked up way. I hang on to those dead and dying blooms in my life and they are robbing me from becoming healthier & fuller right NOW. I need to deadhead things that I'm hanging onto.
And then as I weed I notice how that's kinda the same thing. All this little shit you pull up because it's invading the garden. Some of them are little and you feel like you are just sitting there picking & picking & others have these deep roots you have to use a digger to to get out. And if you don't pull out the whole root, if you don't spend the time to REALLY get it out of the garden...it's gonna grow RIGHT back and possibly even BIGGER. Kinda like that stuff you try to push down and pretend everything is fine, but it's still there.
And then at the end of the day I look in my bucket I carry around and it's fully of the blooms I pulled off that looked kinda grody on the plant, put mixed in with the green weeds, dandalions & bright colors of pink & purple & red & yellow it looks like a really pretty collage. Those are like memories. The good ones. The ones you get to keep when you take a step back and let go of things.
So yeah.....tomorrow I PROMISE to bring my Ipod to work and listen to podcasts or audio books. Because too much time with myself results in weirdo blogs.
I mean, I have spent my WHOLE life trying to find ways to NOT have to sit quietly and listen to my own brain. Running, talking on the phone, listening to my ipod, POSTING!, reading, writing, ANYTHING from having to do that.
Yeah, well, spend a seven hour day strictly weeding! I seriously have nothing else to BUT listen to my brain. It's weird to sit there for that long, all by myself and just let thoughts and feelings come & go. Kinda like meditating with movement. That's why I always loved running. I mean, I can never sit STILL long enough to meditate. I end up thinking "CRAMP in my foot! SHIT! Let it go. Think blank thoughts....."
So...we do this thing called "Deadheading". Yeah, it's NOT the same thing as my college room mate and her hippy music & patchuli smell. It's where you pull a dying blossom off a plant. Like, a flower as it starts to wilt. And I assumed it was for cosmetic reasons. Get the yucky looking dying stuff off. Well at lunch this woman that actually TALKS to the plants when she works (She's a WHOLE other blog) told me we don't just do it for cosmetic reasons. The dying bloom takes away nutrients and energy from the rest of the plant. In order for the plant to be fuller & healthier, and to GROW you have to remove the dying part of it.
So AFTER lunch I was sent back to weed for another four hours and I was thinking....hell if that doesn't apply to alot of things. I have issues letting go of things. I hold onto things by my fingernails....resentments, anger, pain, old feelings, old hurts. They are my armor. I sometimes think I draw strength from them in some fucked up way. I hang on to those dead and dying blooms in my life and they are robbing me from becoming healthier & fuller right NOW. I need to deadhead things that I'm hanging onto.
And then as I weed I notice how that's kinda the same thing. All this little shit you pull up because it's invading the garden. Some of them are little and you feel like you are just sitting there picking & picking & others have these deep roots you have to use a digger to to get out. And if you don't pull out the whole root, if you don't spend the time to REALLY get it out of the garden...it's gonna grow RIGHT back and possibly even BIGGER. Kinda like that stuff you try to push down and pretend everything is fine, but it's still there.
And then at the end of the day I look in my bucket I carry around and it's fully of the blooms I pulled off that looked kinda grody on the plant, put mixed in with the green weeds, dandalions & bright colors of pink & purple & red & yellow it looks like a really pretty collage. Those are like memories. The good ones. The ones you get to keep when you take a step back and let go of things.
So yeah.....tomorrow I PROMISE to bring my Ipod to work and listen to podcasts or audio books. Because too much time with myself results in weirdo blogs.
Losing My Ambition?
A little over eight months ago I was laid off.
Corporate restructuring due to a merger.
Up until that point...I considered myself pretty ambitious, although at the time it happend I was reaching burnout.
When I was 22 I got a job answering phones. I considered it a foot in the door when I only had waitress experience. I was one of the most annoying receptionists ever once I mastered it since I didn't want to STAY there. I'd take on anything, work faster than anyone, jump in anytime there was a problem and take on anything I could. I was promoted to a secretary postion, then to a coordinator, then supervisor, then manager. When there was no where to move up where I applied & got a job at a far bigger employer & had 25 people reporting to me & several locations I was responsible for. I had a pager. I was on call 24/7. I lived my life in alot of meetings. I worked long, late days.
My consuming job served an excellent purpose. I was too busy to pay too close attention to my marriage that was slowly going in the dumper It was a safe way to feel important and a good way to hide from life & feel rewarded for it.A strong work ethic is appreciated in the coorporate world. People listened to me. I felt in control & proud & like everything I had worked so hard for was happening.
But eventually..like anything when you lead an unbalanced life...it started to feel less rewarding. I began to feel as if...no matter HOW hard I worked I wasn't doing as well as I should. If I was doing well on my projects, I wasn't spending enough time on my employees. If I focused on my employees, I'd fell behind on my projects. I just had too much on my plate and as fast as I tried to delegate, I got more. And even with delegation, I was still responsible and had to do alot of follow up just making sure that it actually got done. My employees that I tried so hard to take care of all had lives OUTSIDE of that place, but i felt like I was slowly losing mine & when I DID try to re-enter it I'd find I really wasn't happy in it anymore and I'd hide behind more work. I'd go in early and work late. I was the one to lock up every night. To the point that nobody remembered to lock the door when I wasn't in the office because I was always the one to do it.
I didn't have anything new to work towards after 5 years in that position and when the day came that I was let go, about a week AFTER...I had no pager...the shock had warn off...and I had quiet for the first time in a LONG time and I realized that I hadn't been happy there for a while.
I half ass applied for some things, went on some interveiws, even turned some stuff down for different reasons....they didn't feel like the right fit or didn't offer what I needed in terms of compensation or benefits.
In the mean time, I've been working in Landscaping & Plant Maintinence as something to do. It started as a means to get out of the house, to get outside, to move around. Nine monthes later (with some time off over the cold winters)...I'm still doing it.
While I'm not challenged intellectually...and I do miss that...there is so much I'm enjoying about it. It is SO opposite of what I was doing before. I went from wearing skirts and heels, makeup, hair done every day to wearing workboots, cargo pants, tshirts, a baseball cap & a pony tail and no makeup. I wake up, put on my clothes and GO. NO putzing. I ALWAYS loved dressing up for work & looking cute, I wouldn't even dress the way I do for work NOW on the WEEKENDS back in the day.
I can remember...towards the end at my last job sitting in my office looking out the window at the people working on the lawn. It was gorgeous day out and I had come in early and I knew I wouldn't be leaving until late & wouldn't get to enjoy the outdoors. I remember thinking "They are so lucky". Like they say....be careful what you wish for!
When I started at THIS job, I'd barley ever gotten my hands dirty. There is a quote from the movie Cold Mountain that always makes me laugh. Nicole Kidman says "I can talk about farming in Latin. I can read French. I can lace up a corset, God knows. I can name the principal rivers in Europe, just don't ask me to name one stream in this county! I can embroider but I can't darn! I can arrange cut flowers but I can't grow them! If a thing has a function, if I might *do* something with it, then it wasn't considered suitable!" That always kinda reminded me of myself. I grew up with a cleaning lady, a lawn boy. When I started and i was told to roll a hose i was like "Oh, I can't do that". And I was told "Honey, ya better LEARN". It took me FOREVER and I twisted myself all up in it. I was SORE for WEEKS after starting. All the moving & bending & being outside. Trying to determine what was a plant & what was a weed.
But like anything...when you are determined, you learn. I told myself that this spoiled brat was gonna learn this. I needed to prove to myself that i could. That there was more to me that the spoiled little princess I've been. I got stronger physically. I got used to spending long hours on my own. I went through ENTIRE days without checking my lipstick. LOL. I got dirt under my nails and sprayed in the face with a hose when I turned the wrong nob. I worked in freezing cold rain, and now more recently in the heat. I work the gardens with rich people's pets sitting next to me. LOL. There's the outdoor cat Lucy that i share my cheesy poofs with at lunch. When i work at that site she stays three feet from me the whole time & watches me & meows. The two designer sheep dog at another place lay down next to me and put their toys in my bucket wanting me to play. Last week I looked up & saw a deer five feet from me. We looked at each other for a few mins before she ran away.
Another part of what I do is water indoor plants at an office building. It's SUCH a change from what I did. It's a corporate office like I used to work in, only now when I'm there I feel partly invisible. Where i used to try to take the path of least visibility to not get stopped by SOMEONE with a question, I can now go in offices while people hold meetings and they don't even notice me. And I LIKE the feeling. There's a weird peace to it. The other day...I had to water a plant that is in a box on top of a cubical divider and in order to do it I had to climb on top of a desk. When I stood up there i could see ALL the little cubes from up high. All people in their cubes working....no natural light...NONE of them look happy...the only decent thing THERE seemed to be the plants. I thought to myself "They look like rats in a cage."
I'm not sure that i want to go back to that.
Right now, I get to work with LIFE. Plants, animals...fresh air...things that are ALIVE.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, or what the point of all this is...just that I'm not the same person i was nine monthes ago. I don't know if I'm losing my ambition, or giving up...I KNOW I have potential to do so much more, I'm still applying for work in my field...but I don't know that I WANT to.
I'm still figuring it out I guess.
Corporate restructuring due to a merger.
Up until that point...I considered myself pretty ambitious, although at the time it happend I was reaching burnout.
When I was 22 I got a job answering phones. I considered it a foot in the door when I only had waitress experience. I was one of the most annoying receptionists ever once I mastered it since I didn't want to STAY there. I'd take on anything, work faster than anyone, jump in anytime there was a problem and take on anything I could. I was promoted to a secretary postion, then to a coordinator, then supervisor, then manager. When there was no where to move up where I applied & got a job at a far bigger employer & had 25 people reporting to me & several locations I was responsible for. I had a pager. I was on call 24/7. I lived my life in alot of meetings. I worked long, late days.
My consuming job served an excellent purpose. I was too busy to pay too close attention to my marriage that was slowly going in the dumper It was a safe way to feel important and a good way to hide from life & feel rewarded for it.A strong work ethic is appreciated in the coorporate world. People listened to me. I felt in control & proud & like everything I had worked so hard for was happening.
But eventually..like anything when you lead an unbalanced life...it started to feel less rewarding. I began to feel as if...no matter HOW hard I worked I wasn't doing as well as I should. If I was doing well on my projects, I wasn't spending enough time on my employees. If I focused on my employees, I'd fell behind on my projects. I just had too much on my plate and as fast as I tried to delegate, I got more. And even with delegation, I was still responsible and had to do alot of follow up just making sure that it actually got done. My employees that I tried so hard to take care of all had lives OUTSIDE of that place, but i felt like I was slowly losing mine & when I DID try to re-enter it I'd find I really wasn't happy in it anymore and I'd hide behind more work. I'd go in early and work late. I was the one to lock up every night. To the point that nobody remembered to lock the door when I wasn't in the office because I was always the one to do it.
I didn't have anything new to work towards after 5 years in that position and when the day came that I was let go, about a week AFTER...I had no pager...the shock had warn off...and I had quiet for the first time in a LONG time and I realized that I hadn't been happy there for a while.
I half ass applied for some things, went on some interveiws, even turned some stuff down for different reasons....they didn't feel like the right fit or didn't offer what I needed in terms of compensation or benefits.
In the mean time, I've been working in Landscaping & Plant Maintinence as something to do. It started as a means to get out of the house, to get outside, to move around. Nine monthes later (with some time off over the cold winters)...I'm still doing it.
While I'm not challenged intellectually...and I do miss that...there is so much I'm enjoying about it. It is SO opposite of what I was doing before. I went from wearing skirts and heels, makeup, hair done every day to wearing workboots, cargo pants, tshirts, a baseball cap & a pony tail and no makeup. I wake up, put on my clothes and GO. NO putzing. I ALWAYS loved dressing up for work & looking cute, I wouldn't even dress the way I do for work NOW on the WEEKENDS back in the day.
I can remember...towards the end at my last job sitting in my office looking out the window at the people working on the lawn. It was gorgeous day out and I had come in early and I knew I wouldn't be leaving until late & wouldn't get to enjoy the outdoors. I remember thinking "They are so lucky". Like they say....be careful what you wish for!
When I started at THIS job, I'd barley ever gotten my hands dirty. There is a quote from the movie Cold Mountain that always makes me laugh. Nicole Kidman says "I can talk about farming in Latin. I can read French. I can lace up a corset, God knows. I can name the principal rivers in Europe, just don't ask me to name one stream in this county! I can embroider but I can't darn! I can arrange cut flowers but I can't grow them! If a thing has a function, if I might *do* something with it, then it wasn't considered suitable!" That always kinda reminded me of myself. I grew up with a cleaning lady, a lawn boy. When I started and i was told to roll a hose i was like "Oh, I can't do that". And I was told "Honey, ya better LEARN". It took me FOREVER and I twisted myself all up in it. I was SORE for WEEKS after starting. All the moving & bending & being outside. Trying to determine what was a plant & what was a weed.
But like anything...when you are determined, you learn. I told myself that this spoiled brat was gonna learn this. I needed to prove to myself that i could. That there was more to me that the spoiled little princess I've been. I got stronger physically. I got used to spending long hours on my own. I went through ENTIRE days without checking my lipstick. LOL. I got dirt under my nails and sprayed in the face with a hose when I turned the wrong nob. I worked in freezing cold rain, and now more recently in the heat. I work the gardens with rich people's pets sitting next to me. LOL. There's the outdoor cat Lucy that i share my cheesy poofs with at lunch. When i work at that site she stays three feet from me the whole time & watches me & meows. The two designer sheep dog at another place lay down next to me and put their toys in my bucket wanting me to play. Last week I looked up & saw a deer five feet from me. We looked at each other for a few mins before she ran away.
Another part of what I do is water indoor plants at an office building. It's SUCH a change from what I did. It's a corporate office like I used to work in, only now when I'm there I feel partly invisible. Where i used to try to take the path of least visibility to not get stopped by SOMEONE with a question, I can now go in offices while people hold meetings and they don't even notice me. And I LIKE the feeling. There's a weird peace to it. The other day...I had to water a plant that is in a box on top of a cubical divider and in order to do it I had to climb on top of a desk. When I stood up there i could see ALL the little cubes from up high. All people in their cubes working....no natural light...NONE of them look happy...the only decent thing THERE seemed to be the plants. I thought to myself "They look like rats in a cage."
I'm not sure that i want to go back to that.
Right now, I get to work with LIFE. Plants, animals...fresh air...things that are ALIVE.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, or what the point of all this is...just that I'm not the same person i was nine monthes ago. I don't know if I'm losing my ambition, or giving up...I KNOW I have potential to do so much more, I'm still applying for work in my field...but I don't know that I WANT to.
I'm still figuring it out I guess.
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