Ugh!

:)

Through all of this CrAp, I have been So LuCkY to have the friends and supporters that I DO have.

THANK you for standing by me through all my changes and crap lately.

xoxox

Today I Lost My Shit

"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish."

— Anne Lamott

Today I lost my sheeeot.

I had a long day of work, and I have so much on my mind. Hubs keeps repeatedly swearing at me and treating me with such anger. He's trying to escape the rehab place. He's telling the nursing staff he hates me. He's leaving horrible messages for me. (Ones like: "Don't you EVER show your face around here of  will fuck you up. You are a peice of shit for leaving me in here for a month and a half!".....it's been two weeks.) I really am afraid that he will get out and try to hurt me. The "Old Him" would never physically hurt me. I feel like the "New Him" would. I don't feel safe and feeling afraid pisses me off and gives me NO PEACE.

 All I do is freaking chase around. It's HOT out.  Traffic sucked. I couldn't find a place I was looking for that was right in front of my face. It was a day that making a grocery list just felt like too much to do.

But I did get some stuff done that I needed to. And I put on my new bedspread. The bright colored quilt my Sister In Laws bought me.  One that hubs would NEVER have let me get in the past. I removed the ugly pic that has hung in our bedroom for years. I went grocery shopping for things that only I like and want. And tomorrow I am cancelling his cable he never uses.

I don't know what the future holds and I can't tell you how much that sucks for me. I prefer to plan and right now I'm having a hell of a time planning anything.  I have SO MUCH to still be greatful for....I hope this feeling passes quickly.

In My NEXT life.....

I would like to be J. Lo

Crazy Train Life.

I love this song. I wish the intro could play everytime I enter a room. THAT would be AWESOME!!

Peaple have called me crazy before. I'm on the impulsive side. I go off. I'm on the dramatic side...or "passionate" or "expressive" as I prefer to call myself. Which is FINE, if it' all in fun.

But lately...my life is crazy all on it's own.

Do you know what happens THEN?

I am forced to be a sane person.

I am forced to be a responsible adult....finally, at age 40.

So today I paid my daily visit to my husband at the rehab facility/ nursing home. (YESTERDAY, we actually had a nice visit.) TODAY, it wasn't so good. His blood sugars were running high. He was irritable. He says he's escaping on Friday and has a ride. (I don't know who the ride is. He won't tell me.) I told him that if he came home, he'd be brought back.

He said "By WHO? YOU can't get me iin the car."

I said no.

"A COP? YOU can't have a COP bring me here!"

I said, "Yes I can".

And then the swearing started.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!"

I said if this was the way the visit was going to go, I'd have to leave. 

"Then GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" He screamed at me like a crazy person.

"Have a nice night" I said.  I set the grapes  that I brought for him on his tray table. (He constantly complains about the food there so I try to bring him a treat when I visit) I started to walk out of his room hearing behind me repeated screams of "FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUUUUUUCK YOU!"

I crossed paths with a charge nurse as I was leaving and he gave me a "Probably for the best that you leave" look.

He has since left me two messages on my voice mail that he is coming home, he has a ride and there is nothing I can do about it so "FUCK YOU" and another that he's not going to eat anymore food there.

My life is CRAZY right now.

And I am forced to be the sane one.

Being crazy is WAY more fun.

Thank you....

Little Pink Houses....

For some reason, this song is patrotic to me. *shrug*

I LOVED the show *Pushing Daisies*. LOOK! Olive SNOOK!

 

Don't Answer Me......... A song for when I wake up at 3 AM with my head spinning from earlier events.

Today he told me to leave. *"Get the fuck out"* actually. Claims he is going to escape his rehab place. He said that I don't want him home. He called me a fucking asshole. He wouldn't listen to me. I brought the dog to see him. Brain damage or not....I'm not visiting him for three days.  I feel as though I'm wearing myself out for nothing.

OMG....I need to SMILE!

A Song for ME.....cuz I want it!!
"You know that I'm a crazy bitch, I do what I want when I feel like it."
I love Avril. And I would LOVE to have green hair right now!!!!!

It's only WEDNESDAY???

I am sunburned, and sleepy.  I weeded all day, then went to the nursing home & got a brat dinner with hubs. He is convinced tomorrow there will be a "hearing' held to discuss his release this weekend, and according to HIM...all looks ok. But according to the nurses we aren't at that point yet.

I try to be as honest with him as i can...but...I don't know....he's not even wanting to listen to the honesty.

*Yawning sooo much.*
Will have to blog about this later.