Yeaaaaaaah. Scary.
I mean, I have spent my WHOLE life trying to find ways to NOT have to sit quietly and listen to my own brain. Running, talking on the phone, listening to my ipod, POSTING!, reading, writing, ANYTHING from having to do that.
Yeah, well, spend a seven hour day strictly weeding! I seriously have nothing else to BUT listen to my brain. It's weird to sit there for that long, all by myself and just let thoughts and feelings come & go. Kinda like meditating with movement. That's why I always loved running. I mean, I can never sit STILL long enough to meditate. I end up thinking "CRAMP in my foot! SHIT! Let it go. Think blank thoughts....."
So...we do this thing called "Deadheading". Yeah, it's NOT the same thing as my college room mate and her hippy music & patchuli smell. It's where you pull a dying blossom off a plant. Like, a flower as it starts to wilt. And I assumed it was for cosmetic reasons. Get the yucky looking dying stuff off. Well at lunch this woman that actually TALKS to the plants when she works (She's a WHOLE other blog) told me we don't just do it for cosmetic reasons. The dying bloom takes away nutrients and energy from the rest of the plant. In order for the plant to be fuller & healthier, and to GROW you have to remove the dying part of it.
So AFTER lunch I was sent back to weed for another four hours and I was thinking....hell if that doesn't apply to alot of things. I have issues letting go of things. I hold onto things by my fingernails....resentments, anger, pain, old feelings, old hurts. They are my armor. I sometimes think I draw strength from them in some fucked up way. I hang on to those dead and dying blooms in my life and they are robbing me from becoming healthier & fuller right NOW. I need to deadhead things that I'm hanging onto.
And then as I weed I notice how that's kinda the same thing. All this little shit you pull up because it's invading the garden. Some of them are little and you feel like you are just sitting there picking & picking & others have these deep roots you have to use a digger to to get out. And if you don't pull out the whole root, if you don't spend the time to REALLY get it out of the garden...it's gonna grow RIGHT back and possibly even BIGGER. Kinda like that stuff you try to push down and pretend everything is fine, but it's still there.
And then at the end of the day I look in my bucket I carry around and it's fully of the blooms I pulled off that looked kinda grody on the plant, put mixed in with the green weeds, dandalions & bright colors of pink & purple & red & yellow it looks like a really pretty collage. Those are like memories. The good ones. The ones you get to keep when you take a step back and let go of things.
So yeah.....tomorrow I PROMISE to bring my Ipod to work and listen to podcasts or audio books. Because too much time with myself results in weirdo blogs.
I mean, I have spent my WHOLE life trying to find ways to NOT have to sit quietly and listen to my own brain. Running, talking on the phone, listening to my ipod, POSTING!, reading, writing, ANYTHING from having to do that.
Yeah, well, spend a seven hour day strictly weeding! I seriously have nothing else to BUT listen to my brain. It's weird to sit there for that long, all by myself and just let thoughts and feelings come & go. Kinda like meditating with movement. That's why I always loved running. I mean, I can never sit STILL long enough to meditate. I end up thinking "CRAMP in my foot! SHIT! Let it go. Think blank thoughts....."
So...we do this thing called "Deadheading". Yeah, it's NOT the same thing as my college room mate and her hippy music & patchuli smell. It's where you pull a dying blossom off a plant. Like, a flower as it starts to wilt. And I assumed it was for cosmetic reasons. Get the yucky looking dying stuff off. Well at lunch this woman that actually TALKS to the plants when she works (She's a WHOLE other blog) told me we don't just do it for cosmetic reasons. The dying bloom takes away nutrients and energy from the rest of the plant. In order for the plant to be fuller & healthier, and to GROW you have to remove the dying part of it.
So AFTER lunch I was sent back to weed for another four hours and I was thinking....hell if that doesn't apply to alot of things. I have issues letting go of things. I hold onto things by my fingernails....resentments, anger, pain, old feelings, old hurts. They are my armor. I sometimes think I draw strength from them in some fucked up way. I hang on to those dead and dying blooms in my life and they are robbing me from becoming healthier & fuller right NOW. I need to deadhead things that I'm hanging onto.
And then as I weed I notice how that's kinda the same thing. All this little shit you pull up because it's invading the garden. Some of them are little and you feel like you are just sitting there picking & picking & others have these deep roots you have to use a digger to to get out. And if you don't pull out the whole root, if you don't spend the time to REALLY get it out of the garden...it's gonna grow RIGHT back and possibly even BIGGER. Kinda like that stuff you try to push down and pretend everything is fine, but it's still there.
And then at the end of the day I look in my bucket I carry around and it's fully of the blooms I pulled off that looked kinda grody on the plant, put mixed in with the green weeds, dandalions & bright colors of pink & purple & red & yellow it looks like a really pretty collage. Those are like memories. The good ones. The ones you get to keep when you take a step back and let go of things.
So yeah.....tomorrow I PROMISE to bring my Ipod to work and listen to podcasts or audio books. Because too much time with myself results in weirdo blogs.
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