"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish."— Anne Lamott
Today I lost my sheeeot.
I had a long day of work, and I have so much on my mind. Hubs keeps repeatedly swearing at me and treating me with such anger. He's trying to escape the rehab place. He's telling the nursing staff he hates me. He's leaving horrible messages for me. (Ones like: "Don't you EVER show your face around here of will fuck you up. You are a peice of shit for leaving me in here for a month and a half!".....it's been two weeks.) I really am afraid that he will get out and try to hurt me. The "Old Him" would never physically hurt me. I feel like the "New Him" would. I don't feel safe and feeling afraid pisses me off and gives me NO PEACE.
All I do is freaking chase around. It's HOT out. Traffic sucked. I couldn't find a place I was looking for that was right in front of my face. It was a day that making a grocery list just felt like too much to do.
But I did get some stuff done that I needed to. And I put on my new bedspread. The bright colored quilt my Sister In Laws bought me. One that hubs would NEVER have let me get in the past. I removed the ugly pic that has hung in our bedroom for years. I went grocery shopping for things that only I like and want. And tomorrow I am cancelling his cable he never uses.
I don't know what the future holds and I can't tell you how much that sucks for me. I prefer to plan and right now I'm having a hell of a time planning anything. I have SO MUCH to still be greatful for....I hope this feeling passes quickly.